Introduction

Science is a beautiful subject.

(Not for us at Lolland, we wouldn't know.)

Our main objective in the Science section is to make huge and elaborate plans and machines to achieve our goals.

But we have lots of unanswered questions, because someone said the best way to learn science is by asking questions. Also, we learnt science from a lot of bad movies. Here we present our findings.

Bank on us

The Lolland University is always keen to help Bejan Daruwalla's vision of making India the world superpower by 2050. So it was that we studied India's one vast untapped resource, and have made a proposal to use it for the continued glory of that country.

Our idea:

An Indian centralized Sperm Bank, started and maintained in association with all males in Indian (especially Engineering) colleges.

The Logo of our Bank. It is awesome because it simultaneously suggests links to political parties and our inclination for 'under the table funds', while staying true to the original idea.

Why this makes sense

• There is a huge inexhaustible supply in every college in the country.
  
  
• This supply is especially consistent from gender skewed Engineering Colleges, magnified by the amount of internet access available to them.
  
  
• These seeds of great wealth and prosperity for India are currently flushed away totally unused and unnoticed.
  
  
• Many people believe that engineers are highly analytical and intelligent, and would like their children to have those 'intelligent' genes. Of course, this is a misconception, but it's great for us and the future of India.
  

Logistics

• The main thing that sets this idea apart from everything else that has ever been done in the world is the unique collection system, which is shown below.

• It can be seen that this system is revolutionary because it has a convenient pipe collection mechanism direct from your hostel room! An outlet will be made next to your computer screen to ensure efficiency.
  
  
• Expected output: We expect an average of 5 cc per male student per day, and about 3 lakh contributors. This will give us about 1500 litres per day.
  
  
• Many celebrities have agreed to come together and aid us in this project. They will provide us subsidized access to educational movies that will help in expedient production. A certain bhabhi has also expressed interest in motivating her already large fan base to contribute better and more often.
  
  
• All the collections will be stored, as shown in the figure, in special named and numbered jars that shall be protected by 1000 commandos at any hour of the day or night.

Special points

• Any contributor will receive Rs. 100 on anyone buying his/her produce. For our target producer, the hostelier college dude, that is limitless motivation.
  
  
• Some people have expressed concern that we may be leaving out a large portion of the population outside the college scene who also believe in the power of the palm. We recognize this, and will soon expand to include teenage boys, prison inmates and married men in our plans.
  
  
• We expect to collect so much that we will soon start exporting to every country in the world, which will be bought for different reasons, for example, to mix gene pools in order to increase average intelligence and prevent future embarrassment due to ladies like these.

Possible problems with this

• Mixing of collections from different people: A piping system of the scale we envisage will have problems. What if all our collections mix to form a gigantic whirlpool? We were worried about this, but soon calmed down when we realized: A. no one will know and B. all engineers are pretty much the same anyway and C. competition between sperm will ensure even better results, may the best sperm win.
  
  
• Need for refrigerated pipes: So what? We'll get refrigerated pipes.
  
  
• Our system only caters to those who use a computer to... you know... and not to that large section of the general public which can contribute while bored or unwittingly while sleeping at night... Yes, this is a problem. But what can we do? Can we come to each door? Maybe someday, when we have more money, more time and nothing else to do, we'll think of a way to include them in our plans.
  

The Grand Vision

This will become the greatest comepany in the world. Some expansion plans and possible results:

• You know what they say about Genghis Khan? That 20% of the present world is descended from him? That's probably false, but our Bank will ensure that this comes true for our chosen contributors. One day, our DNA shall reign supreme!
  
  
• Engineering college students will finally have more of a life than other college students - or maybe not. Once they have contributed to the Bank, the one possible reason they might have scored any women is gone.
  
  
• The secret plan, however, is all encompassing. We know from Bollywood that all brothers and sisters separated at or after birth will eventually find and instantly recognize each other. For clarifications, consult this lesson. So when we eventually have almost an entire generation spawned from the same few zygotes, they will be effective siblings and, using Bollywood laws of Biology, we shall all unite and take over the world.
  

Travel faster than light

We have perfected a device that will enable you to travel faster than light itself. Presenting - Lolland's-just-for-fun-travel-faster-than-light.

Principle: Carbon nanotubes are very light and very strong.

Experimental setup: You manufacture a long, thin strip of carbon nanotubes using common nanomanufacturing techniques. This should be easy because they are very light and vey strong. How long? 1 000 000 meters - that's a 1000 kilometres.

Then, on one end of this strip, you make a chair, also of carbon nanotubes. This whole setup is very strong - so it should easily support the weight of a person sitting on it. Make a person sit on it.

Then attach the other end of the strip to a rotor that rotates at 300 rps. This should again be easy - since carbon nanotubes are very light, the rotor won't have much weight to rotate.

Procedure: Make the person sit in the chair, and start the rotor. The tangential speed of the person will be 1 000 000 m x 300 /s = 300 000 000 m/s, which is just the speed of light. Now, how do you cross the speed of light? Simple! Just add a chair next to the chair belonging to the original person, and make him sit in that.

Disclaimer: Anyone pointing out any flaws in this beautiful plan will be shot with a huge cannon, and his/her property will be sold to do research in nanotechnology - the most convincing and useful thing since Scientology.

New Alarm Designs

Everyone oversleeps.
The Lolland University is committed to improving the world we live in. One of our 100000 mottos is: Invent Better Alarms. So we did.

1. The Cockroach melter

Refer to the diagram above. Enclosed in a marvellous chamber made of sugar is a very hungry, very black, very ugly cockroach. Now, the chamber made of sugar is marvellous because it is made of a special type of sugar that dissolves after 8 hours in an average human mouth. It is also marvellous because it does not exist, but we'll leave that for another day.

So, the chamber made of sugar is inserted into your mouth just before you sleep. After 8 hours, the sugar dissolves and releases an active, pissed cockroach into your mouth. You might imagine that you will wake up soon after that.
What if you want to want to sleep less than 8 hours? Simple! Say you want to sleep for 5 hours. Just keep the contraption in your mouth for 3 hours at some earlier time. If you want to sleep for more than 8 hours, you are lazy and useless, and probably a Lolland writer.
2. The Early Bird method

Principle: the well known Einsteinian postulate: The Early Bird catches the Worm.

Consider all the birds in the universe. They are divided into Early Birds and Late Birds (the second category, conveniently, includes both dead birds and birds that just get up late in the morning). You want to be woken up early in the morning, a time of day when the Early Bird is active.
But the Early Bird is a greedy creature - it is only interested in The Worm. How do you know which The Worm is? You don't.
So, you collect all the worms in the world and spread them on your body before you go to sleep. Leave the window open. In the morning, the Early Bird will fly in. Since all the worms in the world are on your body, one of them must be The Worm. The Early Bird will identify that one, and will perch on your body and peck at it. This will disturb you and wake you up.
We got a lot of emails on this one, claiming that nobody would be able to go to sleep with all the world's worms on his/her body. We have an answer. If you can't sleep, you've automatically accomplished your original aim - to be awake early in the day!
3. The String-dynamite (do it yourself) method

What you need: String (lots of it), dynamite (inferior version, buy from an Indian roadside market)

Take 1 metre of the string and burn it. Record the length of time it takes for it to burn from end to end. From this, calculate how many metres of the string will burn completely in 8 hours (or however long you wish to sleep). Cut off that length of string and use it as your fuse. Light just before you go to sleep.

You must have an inferior type of dynamite so that you do not kill any members of your household (assuming, of course, that this is a bad thing).

4. The Ask Chuck Norris to wake you up method

This is simple and self-explanatory. You ask Chuck Norris to give you a wake-up call. As soon as your ears hear his voice, you will wake up in shock and awe. There is one small problem though - if you don't wake up, he might roundhouse kick you and kill you, and then you'll never wake up again.

Thus, we have also kept more non-lethal alternatives for you in mind. You could use Salman Khan to give you a wake-up call (he'll do it with a speeding car), Megan Fox (only, you might think she's part of your dreams, she appears in them regularly anyway) or George Bush (he'll do it with a couple of nukes).

5. However, this is the only thing that'll actually work. Download this and use it.

How to live till you're 120 - a plan

Everyone wants to live forever. We don't, but we have a foolproof series of things you can do to live till you're 120, and all your grandchildren are becoming religious in preparation for their impending death.

Even if you can manage two of these things, you're well on your way to (almost) eternal life.

0. The boring way

Live a very good life. Always eat only vegetarian food and a balanced diet. Exercise for two hours daily. Go for a walk in the evenings. Drink a lot of milk.

See, this method is getting boring already. On to the important ones.

1. The paranoid way

Most people die outside their rooms. Therefore, if you stay in your room for ever, you are less likely to die. So, stay in your room for ever. Only allow trusted people inside to see you - have your parents search everyone who enters for concealed weapons. Your chances of staying alive will be increased if you stop sleeping, since most people who die in their rooms do so in their sleep.

2. The smart paranoid way

The paranoid way will take you to an age of 80 or 90, but after that you'll die because you never exercised. The Lolland University is proud to present something that will solve even that problem - a device that vibrates your entire body and thereby presents you with the benefit of exercise even while you lie in your bed. We thank late night advertorials for showing us the path of salvation by showing us this device.

(Please don't miss the thin, fit man at the 11 second mark.)

3. The Wheelchair

We just realized that our first two ideas might work, but they aren't very exciting. So we came up with a better way to live forever.

A few things you should know first: we have chosen wheelchairs as the basis for this grand plan because usually the people seen in wheelchairs are very old, and the purpose of the whole plan is to live to be very old. Also, the high number of protective devices is to minimize the chance of death in every possible way.

The device is shown below. If you want to view the whole picture, go here.

We will soon post part 2 of this article, which has more fascinating insights on how to cheat death.

Elementary Science Textbook

Everyone hates irritating school biology textbooks. So do we. But we couldn't think of any way to spoof them till we saw this picture.

(full size)

Not that we're going to write a spoof post (that would belong in English), but we will write about the cow. Rather, we'll take a typical page about the cow from a primary school biology textbook, and make some additions.

(full size)

Unanswered questions in biology

1. Why did the chicken cross the road?

2. How old is Dev Anand actually?

3. Does pubic hair turn white with age?

4. Why can you only see green fields (or brown fields) when you look out of a train in India? Isn’t there any other vegetation in our country?

5. Which came first – the chicken or the egg?