Even if you can manage two of these things, you're well on your way to (almost) eternal life.
0. The boring way
Live a very good life. Always eat only vegetarian food and a balanced diet. Exercise for two hours daily. Go for a walk in the evenings. Drink a lot of milk.
See, this method is getting boring already. On to the important ones.
1. The paranoid way
Most people die outside their rooms. Therefore, if you stay in your room for ever, you are less likely to die. So, stay in your room for ever. Only allow trusted people inside to see you - have your parents search everyone who enters for concealed weapons. Your chances of staying alive will be increased if you stop sleeping, since most people who die in their rooms do so in their sleep.
2. The smart paranoid way
The paranoid way will take you to an age of 80 or 90, but after that you'll die because you never exercised. The Lolland University is proud to present something that will solve even that problem - a device that vibrates your entire body and thereby presents you with the benefit of exercise even while you lie in your bed. We thank late night advertorials for showing us the path of salvation by showing us this device.
3. The Wheelchair
We just realized that our first two ideas might work, but they aren't very exciting. So we came up with a better way to live forever.
A few things you should know first: we have chosen wheelchairs as the basis for this grand plan because usually the people seen in wheelchairs are very old, and the purpose of the whole plan is to live to be very old. Also, the high number of protective devices is to minimize the chance of death in every possible way.
The device is shown below. If you want to view the whole picture, go here.
We will soon post part 2 of this article, which has more fascinating insights on how to cheat death.
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